That Pregnant Glow… or Not.

Let’s talk pregnant bodies for just a minute... actually, let’s talk about all our bodies. 

When I first got pregnant, I couldn’t wait to have the bump. I remembered my friend’s cute pregnant bellies and some of the girls I follow on Instagram who seemed perfectly like themselves except with these really cute bellies and I thought, “I am sure that will be me!” I will work hard, eat right, all while being pregnant and happy and it will all be amazing and perfect and wonderful and all the positive adjectives.

Then I got pregnant and was hit with an immediate wave of nausea. Everything felt tough. Thanksgiving dinner will never look the same to me as that was the height of it. Like the thought of green bean casserole LITERALLY makes me sick. And let me tell you, I didn’t eat right or work out like I wanted. I quit teaching spin and ate a LOT of PB&J’s & cereal.

And while the thankfulness for pregnancy didn’t go away and I felt so grateful to have this gift, I also couldn’t lie about the way I was feeling about my body in the midst of it.

I have seen the posts about accepting your postpartum body but I wasn’t expecting this.

I wasn’t expecting the way a bloated belly in the first trimester, the huge boobs, the extra cellulite, the puffy… everywhere, the sometimes dull skin, would make me feel.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are days when I have looked in the mirror and have felt amazed at my body and always I feel just so in love with the little baby inside of it. I feel confidence at times in a new way that is truly amazing. And as my husband has said, with 20 weeks came a little extra glow (PRAISE) and a tan from our baby-moon that was much needed. But it was like my ever changing body had me feeling like I was 20 again fighting with comparison and really struggling to give myself grace. 

I kept remembering the friends that only gained 20 something lbs and I was quickly creeping toward that number and most likely destined to surpass.

I spent my first trimester looking at my bloated stomach and feeling like a worse version of myself (nausea didn’t help). 

And now, with each week the thoughts hit me: 

Is my belly so much bigger than my friends at this stage bc my abs aren’t as tight? 

How did my arms get bigger in all of this? 

Where did all of this cellulite come from?!

Am I one of those women who get praised bc you only look pregnant from the front? (Let me answer that for you - no, my ass is huge.)

The fears and negative thoughts go on and on. 

In a season where I wanted to feel glowing and beautiful, it just isn’t everyday that I do. Some days but not everyday. And mentally, I wasn’t prepared for that.

And I know I am not alone. I see the forums of women devastated because their bellies have stretch marks, or aren’t smooth, or are shaped weird, and they feel like they have gained too much weight and they feel, out of control.

I am 30 and felt like I had finally come to a place that accepted that I wouldn’t be the girl who people called a stick. I am more muscular and curvy. Walking through the Lourve in Paris a few years back, I finally felt like I had found my people among all the sculptures - women with child-bearing hips! In a world of runway models or Greek sculptures - I am definitely the latter. I know I have to watch what I eat all the time and I can’t get away with just not exercising for weeks. I have built those things into my life and learned to live with them and be happy.

In the last decade, I have come to terms with me and have found control over my body.

I didn’t realize though that I would have to come to terms with me all over again in pregnancy.  

And that I will probably again in post prego life.

And next summer when bikini season hits. 

And in two years because I will be 32 and that seems like another great age to worry about body-image. 

And at 40, 50, and for sure 60.

And then, possibly, by 80 I won’t care anymore bc I will have finally overcome the vanity of my life and learned to be thankful for my wrinkles (and most likely paid for my breasts to not hit the floor)…

But really, ladies. Here are my final thoughts on this. I love my body. I love my prego body, I love being pregnant. But I don’t love the way it looks everyday. I don’t love not feeling in control of my body all the time. Like each day I wake up and there is something new going on or with each new photo I don’t know how to wrap my head around how much I have changed. This isn’t a post looking for a praise but wanting to speak out for the other woman who didn’t expect to feel this way when she finally got the pregnancy she wanted.

Some days, I feel overwhelmed in insecurity and am scared of what people think but I also need to come to terms with the fact that that’s ok. We are human and coming to terms with who we are is a part of that. And the days that it feels the worst, are the days where I am not feeling satisfied in the bigger picture. 

Those are the days I forget to see what my body can do, Who made me, and the insane gift that not just pregnancy but my body in general is, instead of what my body looks like.

So, here is my to-do for us all. 

Get naked. 

Dance and feel the jiggle. 

And look in a mirror, and see what is good. Not in a vain comparison way but in a redeeming way. 

Like, I need to take a look at my thighs and see that they are strong enough to get me through a hike or a bike ride or let’s be real, from the couch to the kitchen.

And I need to look at my big belly that is holding life and AND SEE JUST HOW AMAZING THAT IS, no matter how it looks.

And see the extra cushion and realize all the extra nourishment for the babe. And let’s be real, those extra pounds probably have a lot to do with the cookies I love to eat that I decided I few years ago that life was too short to get rid of for abs (YOLO). So, I need to settle with that.  

And I need to look at all of me and feel thankful. Thankful to walk. Thankful to have enough to have time to care about the way my body may look. Thankful that I have a God who made me uniquely, curves in all. And thankful for all the good and the bad.

And that is the point, our bodies tell a story. Of who we are, and where we have come from. And the message my story tells doesn’t need to be that I am better than you or that I am one of the lucky few who got pregnant and didn’t gain over the recommended weight allowance or whatever else we are finding our confidence in. I want to see in myself and others, WHO they are and what they can do with their bodies, and at times, the pain we all may be feeling because of them.

And the biggest take away is to remember this. No matter who you are, I firmly believe, all of us struggle the same way. Even my friends with the most beautiful bodies seem to be riddled at times with insecurity. They hear, “your too skinny” or “your body isn’t womanly enough”. Or those who struggle with weight loss, it is the same, “your body isn’t beautiful” or “you will never lose the weight”. 

And I hate that for all of us.

I hate being wrapped in vanity. 

I hate that we all struggle with our image. 

I hate that defeated feeling when we realize this could be as good as it gets.

But I hate more the lying about it. The perfect posts and pictures and bragging about how amazing and perfect we are when in truth, we all feel a little lost and out of control inside. 

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, how little you eat, it starts with the way you see yourself. If you aren’t enough right where you are, you won’t be enough when you finally hit your perfect place. Whether that is pregnancy and you finally get that cute bump or when you lose 20 lbs or when you tone up the J-Lo booty. It just won’t ever be enough if you don’t already tell yourself you are enough.

So, once again, get naked, let go of all the control you are striving for, feel the jiggle, and tell yourself you are enough until you really mean it. Not just the good parts but look at the parts you don’t like and learn to love them all the while.

And that’s the point of this post. No one told me how it can feel in pregnancy. It isn’t always the glow they say it is but at the end of the day, every pound really is worth it for this baby and I am unbelievably BLESSED to get to even have those thoughts. If I can remember that, then it won’t matter what the mirror, the horrible photo, or that lying voice in my head says. If I can just remember the bigger picture.

And the heart of it all is believing that we were made for more and all that negative self-talk, is keeping us from living that out. We were made for more than to just be consumed with our bodies and how perfect they should be. We were made to feel alive, to dance and jiggle and love others like crazy. We were made to be filled with joy and soak up the little kicks, the exercise that we do because it feels good, and the photos we post because of the memories and not the need for affirmation. And we were made to connect with others out of love, not comparison and pride. BUT mostly, we were made to know we were created and crafted by a God who loves us so insanely much, and see us for more than our mistakes and for more than all the things we hate about us. He is a God that is constantly seeing the better side of us, because He is the one who made us.

And I want to see me the way He does - beautiful, flawed, but and made with purpose.